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, that is a cheese steak, why would you mut avocado on a cheese stake. what did they vote, a tax exempt stat to us weirdoes on the bourd walk with snakes on a shoulder, cupcakes must have at least 3% kale. >> dmal call voters agreed to pay more in sales tax and more in income tax for high earners to help close what governor jerry brown calls a $34 billion state budget cap. >> oh. california actually deciding to start trying to pay for some of the [bleep] they want to do. my baby's growing up. (laughter) any other referendum. >> 53% of california voters rejected a referendum that would have abolished the death penalty. >> what's up, california. paying your bills, thinning the herd. you are your turning into your dad! next thing you know everybody is going to have to wear a condom in california. >> this los angeles voters decided it that male porn stars must wear condoms during filming. (laughter) so in los angeles you guys focus group everything? are all porn decisions community-based. should the music in porn have so much bass. are we doing too many scenes out by the pool, yes or no. how many guys
will be joining us on the show. [cheering and applause] and then tomorrow night it's president barack obama. but still... [laughter] these people get to... [cheering and applause] nate silver, the president of statistician-stan. as you know, last night the presidential cam pan headed to hofstra university where the candidates debated from a diverse crowd hard of long islanders ranging from italian guys to other italian guys to a jewish guy and his mom. [laughter] such diversity in long island. the first question somehow ended up on the auto industry rescue. >> i know you keep saying, you want to take detroit bankrupt. well, the president took detroit bankrupt. you took general motors bankrupt. you took chrysler bankrupt. that was pre-sizely what i recommended and ultimately what happened. >> jon: okay. in fact, obama's publicly financed detroit auto industry managed bankruptcy is not precisely what romney recommended. romney precisely recommended private credit, which at the time was to be precise non-existent. meaning under his plan detroit's bankruptcy would have been unmanaged and quite
for tuning in. we are on on a friday night t is very unusual for us. and i'm-- let's just-- here's the-- i'm the-- here's the fact. this has been a long week. we are on the road, away from our families, the people here in tampa have been very nice, very hospitable, but let's face facts. it is hotter than a gorilla's anus. (laughter) (applause) >> jon: although, to be fair to gorillas-- (laughter) -- that is a dry heat. (applause) the worst part of this town-- the worst part of this town, you can't even sit down to take a break from the unrelenting heat because the moment you form any kind of lap in the tampa-st. pete area, you are set upon by those who seek to dance upon said lap. (cheers and applause) >> jon: do you know-- do you know how hard it is to get money down in tampa that does not have body glitter on it? (laughter) i was admittedly a little down last night, from being here this whole week, a little disspirited. and then-- no, no-- and then it happened. yes! amidst the tired rhetoric, empty platitudes and overwrought attacks, a fistful of awesome! (laughter) emerged in the night
jason sudeikis is going to be joining us later. it was just one week ago tonight that barack obama won reelection to the presidency ending a heated political campaign and hopefully setting the stage for the healing that this country so desperately needs. >> the white house has received online petitions from not so proud americans in 20 states who would like to secede from the union. (laughter) wait! i'm not sure exactly which 20 states those are or which people in those 20 state bus i think i can best express how i feel about these states and people in the word of the great william wonka. >> (flatly) stop, don't, come back. (cheers and applause) >> jon: at least now i'm beginning to understand why southern states were so hesitant to get rid of the confederate flag. it's like keeping your fat pants after you lose some weight. (laughter) you're happy for now with the new you but pretty soon you're going to need those fat pants again. there's pizza in staten island and -- i'm not surprised. we were warned reelect that obama would have dire consequences for our union, for our standing in t
things would be different!ld be d that son of a bitch lied to us!ied to i knew i should have voted for mccain! have ragh! captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. our guest journalist martha raddatz will be here, moderator and the winner of this year's vice presidential debate. a very rough weekend in the tri-state area. i'm sure by now you've all seen pictures of the damage. here's something you might want to look at. these are marathon runners who channeled their disappointment in the cancellation of the marathon into volunteering to help storm clean-up. ( cheers and applause ) it was very, very moving. it's enough to make you not that annoyed by marathon runners. not quite. obviously all donations still greatly appreciated. the sandy relief fund dot-org. your i-tunes dot-com slash red cross. you have your united way n
did use performance enhancing drugs, so did all the other prophets. but i didn't. so what have we learned, from this great wristband theft? maybe... that when stripped of our scauses, only causes are left. and causes shouldn't be worn on our wrists with a sneer. let's keep our causes where they belong, which is right here. on t-shirts! free pussy riot! [cheers and applause] - free pussy riot! boys: yeah! - yay! from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. our guest journalist martha raddatz will be here, moderator and the winner of this year's vice presidential debate. a very rough weekend in the tri-state area. i'm sure by now you've all seen pictures of the damage. here's something you might want to look at. these are marathon runners who channeled their disappointment in the cancellation of the marathon into volunteering to help storm clean-up. ( cheers and applau
they go into the polls >> ulna... honor. leadership. nachos. yeah, what word are we going to use? >> nachos how often? all the time so describe the school using a nacho metaphor >> nachos, the school is like nacho cheese. more nourishing and you can't get enough of it. >> reporter: as the pearlman campaign seized the momentum jason desperately searched for a celebrity to give zablo campaign a boost >> i need a big-time actor, any super hero would be great. oh, really? would he do it >> reporter: but time was running out because with debate afternoon finally here for the candidates, it was game time. ♪ >> it is with great pleasure that i introduce kyle pearlman and lauren zablo. >> my name is lauren zablo and i am running to be your student council president. i've been in student council since sixth grade so i will make every effort snts >> reporter: while lauren went with substance, the pearlman took a different approach >> hello, my fellow americans. i can see i'm the only one wearing played today >> i'm sorry to see that i'm the only one wearing a flag pin today. this electio
gets reelected. joining us now is zane tankel, he runs i think 42 applebee's franchises. >> jon: i'm going to stop you right there. zane tankel? (laughter) that's who you want me to accept? zane tankel? no. no. (applause) zane tankel does not run an applebee's. zane tankel is an intergalactic bounty hunter who gets in fight with buck rogers. (laughter) i'm sorry, resume your interview with zane tankel. >> we won't build more restaurants. we won't hire more people. >> you run an applebee's. (laughter) here's a cost-cutting idea. don't serve your double-barrel whiskey fried creamy steak and chimichanga sliders in troughs. (laughter) not only should you provide your employees health care, you should be personally apologizing to our nation's physicians. (laughter) anybody else got a problem with it? >> papa john's c.e.o. says the company may have to reduce worker hours to save money on health care. >> jon: no, not a papa john's! (laughter) anybody but a papa john's! i'd wrather the paparazzi or the pa p.a. pa smear. (laughter) what's his problem? >> the c.e.o. says obamacare will cost
congratulate him on taking out osama bin laden. drones are being used in drone strikes and i support that entirely. and feel the president was right. i want to underscore the same point the president made. i felt the same as the president did. i supported his action there. absolutely the right thing to do to have crippling sanctions. (cheers and applause) >> jon: i think romney's leaning obama! (laughter) apparently romney is one of this year's coveted swing voters. look, how closely did mitt romney align himself with what had, i guess up until last night, been the worst foreign policy ever? listen to these guys duet on syria. >> i believe that assad must go. >> assad has to go. >> i don't want to have our military involved in syria. >> for us to get more entangled militarily in syria is a serious step. >> so the right course for us is working through our partners -- >> -- in consultation with our partners -- >> -- to identify responsible parties within syria. >> mobilizing the moderate forces. >> organize them. >> helping the operation organize. >> we need to make sure -- >> making
, the president of the u.s.a., the united states of arithmetic, nate silver will be joining us ( cheers and applause ) it was a big night last night. the big news, of course, president barack obama not just re-elected but seemingly given fresh batteries. >> we remain more than a collection of red states and blue states. ry are and forever will be the united states of america. and together, with your help, and god's grace, we will continue our journey forward. ( laughter ). >> jon: so that's all it took for to you get back in the groove was the fact that you never have to run for president again? ( laughter ) that's all it took? ( cheers and applause ) of course, on the other side, governor mitt romney broke the bad news to his supporters before reluctantly being asked to pose for his family's yearly christmas card. ( laughter ). that is a good-looking bunch. it's like they-- the people that came in the frames. across the nation, the people spoke, legalizing gay marriage in maine and maryland. legalizing marijuana in washington state, and colorado-- ( cheers and applause ) gay marriage.
, bob woodruff, he'll be joining us. now obviously new york still reeling from the affects of the superstorm this whole region. things are getting back to normal in small measures. this morning, in fact, crazy person was outside my window yelling we're all going to die! and it was mayor bloomberg was-- it was him. (laughter) and he wasn't talking about the storm. he was talking about transfats. (laughter) but so everything seems to be coming around. (laughter) i'm actually so proud of this area. still very thankful to be in soggy portion we areless new york. because, and this is true, you have to keep perspective n someplaces in this country, it's even worse. >> the candidates are spending so much time here it's as if they are running for president of ohio. >> residents are facing a daily onslaught of campaign ads, news stories, robo calls and mailers. >> you can imagine the hellish post apocalyptic reality where all you see are political ads? (laughter) >> jon: imagine it? i wrote a screenplay about it. clevelandfield. (laughter) jk an rams. sandy has devastated our region
>> stephen: thank you for joining us. thank you, nation. ( crowd chanting ) ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: i've got to tell you, with an ovation like that, you make me almost wish i stayed in this race. ( laughter ) folks, our top story tonight, it is my mother's birthday. and the "colbert report" can now project that lorna colbert is 92 years old. happy birthday, mom. of course there is one other story tonight. our continuing coverage of the 2012 election. excitement in the air is palpable and, folks, i cannot wait to palp it. tonight, we are live. ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you. okay, i'm sorry. jimmy, can we retake that, please? >> we can't, we're live. >> stephen: oh, we really are live. i thought i was just duping these rubes. lets cut out that part where i called these mouth breathers rubes. now let's get straight to our coverage. it is 11:33 eastern time on election night. at this point, the election is too close to call. anything can happen. romney could win, obama could win, and that's it. those two. but it could be a very long night and we will be live for
personally voted for mitt romney. so it's that single tweet is any indication, jon, get used to saying president romney because he's going to win tonight in a landslide. >> jon: that's fascinating. >> that just happened jon moments ago and i'm explaining it to you now in real time. this is only a start. the election center has full capabilities through a protest we call cross screen transferability which allows us to recontexturallize our real time info for monitorrization. jon, there's no denying that is now physically bigger, you can't deny that. [laughter] >> jon: it is bigger and appears to be somewhat useless. >> i'm not even done, jon. watch this. i found click, boom. okay, real time insta instagram. it doesn't even stop. i just tweak it again while simultaneously posting that image. so if you go to one of those places you can see this image, the one dwreur you'r you're seew here later somewhere else. don't tell me it's alive and kicking my friend. i will be here all night. [crowd cheering] >> jon: we've got an awful lot. we'll check back in with john oliver. the combination o
to convince the candidates need to be court and women have rational creatures and men use just this organ here. the one i'm pointed too. [laughter] >> jon: for women life is just one big turnon, turn off, playboy questionnaire? >> that's what we use in place of resumes. we all fill them out when we turn 18 whether you get chosen to pose or not. >> jon: it seems like if that's the case it would be impossible to have a spirited debate. >> that's ridiculous you just need to be smarter about the staging. yes. [laughter] sh%mm that is a debate a lady >> jon: welcome back. tonight he's currently the president of these united states. please welcome back to the program, president barack obama. [cheers and applause] >> how are you? >> i'm good, how are you? good to see everybody. good to see you. >> jon: how are you? >> i'm doing great. before i do anything else i have to acknowledge we have amazing women warriors. we have a whole crew of veterans, i had nothing to do with this. the uso wanted to bring them here and a want everybody to give them a big round of applause. >> i do want to ask you this. i
that obama has been re-elected how have the john creators amongst us reacted. we turn to our deranged billionaire, john hodgman, john. >> oh, how dare you. >> jon: what. >> how dare you applaud me now after you shiftless moochers rejected everything that is good and right and wealthy in this world. >> jon: you're still up set that mitt romney lost. >> i don't know how, i don't understand why it happened, john. i mean we all agree that wealthy americans are the best americans. >> jon: well, not-- not everybody agrees with that. >> well, everybody one i know does and mitt romney was the wealthiest american, or at least the wealthiest who way willing to touch your hands and lift your babies. i mean romney was a rich man. and he wanted to be president watch. pore could he have done to earn your vote. i don't even know what is happening with this country any more, john. >> jon: did you just blow your nose with 100 dollar bill. >> i can't use a 50th, grant hair is too scratchy. >> jon: sorry, john. >> oh, you will will be sar i'm. you will all be sarree. you will regret crossing us job crea
in the great state of ohio. while the rest of us are free to pursue work, family, recreation, ohioans must reconcile their role as this year's --. >> there's more money being spent on political ads in ohio than in any other state. 181 million dollars so far, in columbus, more than 6600 ads just this month. that's 333 a day. for sue and jack mckittrick of dublin, ohio, the barrage begins before day break. she's undecided. he support as romney. >> the ads are continuously from 5:00 in the morning until we go to bed at night. >> jon: and that's when the dream ads start. (laughter) are you happy o bama and romney! you're killing the mckittricks! you know they just got married three months ago. (laughter) and now look at them! they're in their mid 20s. you're killing them! (cheers and applause) these ohio political ads zap your youth, they drain your vigor. out of the same hole they used to zap your youth. the cloaca i think it's called. >> obama took gm and chrysler into bankruptcy and sold chrysler to italians who are going to build jeeps in china. (laughter) >> jon: sold chrysler to italians
and the presidency would be awarded to president obama, i believe this foot annual, uplike us, will live forever. >> do you believe ohio has been settled? >> no, i don't and look if-- if we are calling this on the basis of 47% of the vote being in and when 77% is in secretary of state said the-- i got the director of the ohio campaign for romney on the other end of the line refreshing the page every few seconds. >> jon: go on... >> it's going to be a republican victory. this is a historic republican county. ther target is 64. they're at 59 with basically, the early vote counted. it's going to continue to edge up. >> big swatches of butler county, delaware county, and warren county, all of which are republican counties which have big chunks of the vote out. >> is this just math you do as a republican to make yourself feel better or is this real? >> jon: did you catch that! did did you catch that right? there? that the the moment. did you record it and tivo it. you can play it back wards and forward all day. i just want to get it straight, karl, very quickly-- are you lying to yourself or to the
, the house democratic minority leader nancy pelosi will be joining us tonight. maybe we'll talk about the election! maybe we'll fwaukt selection, which you may have heard is happening, 12 days from now in the great state of ohio. (laughter) i'm not sure if any other states are voting this year, but candidates are beginning to make their closing arguments. and if i could frame them through lyrics and music of the great britney spears, barack obama is saying to the electorate, hit me baby, one more time. (laughter) whereas mitt romney is perhaps suggesting, i'm a genie in a bottle. (laughter) really, they're not sung by the same person, are you sure? no, they are sung by the wonders that judge on the talent show. there's two music talent shows? i have got to get myself a zune. (laughter) what are we talking about? oh, yeah, mitt romney's closing arguments. >> the government of the united states is not a good venture capitalists, he likes to pick winners and losers, about $90 billion in green energy companies like solyndra and tess la a friend of mine says he doesn't mind picking winners
into a great depression. let's make sure we are cutting out those things that are not helping us grow. 18 programs are-- medical fraud in medicare, cut a trillion dollars out of our discretionary domestic budget. the specifically specific $4 trillion deficit reduction plan t is on the web site. you can look at all the numbers. let me just finish this point because are you looking for contrast. >> way over two minutes. >> sorry (laughter) >> jon: you went over your time? and you somehow managed in all that overtime to not turn and look your opponent in the lie and just mention what he said was untrue? not even a quick sneeze before your answer, no need to be coy, let me see if i can come up with a two minute answer that might have been more effective. liar! lie, lie, liar, lie, lie, liar, lie, lie, lie, lie, liar. lie romney lie! romney lie, lie. your time is up. >> shot your fat pie hole lehrer. optimism he-- i'm account command never chief, i don't take orders from tote bag johnnie. lie, lie, lie. what did you think lehrer was going bail you out. hold romney's feet to the fire. lehrer sp
Search Results 0 to 40 of about 41 (some duplicates have been removed)

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